THURSDAY, 26 OCTOBER, 2000, NEW ORLEANS

I just thought of the best way to lose weight! Okay, follow me on this one: It’s not how much you intake that defines your physique; it’s how much you expel! My god! It’s so simple. The more you go to the toilet, the more weight you lose. It’s just that bloody simple! It is, as they say, a no-brainer. So instead of dieting and eating a lettuce leaf and a sip of water all day, under my miracle diet plan, wouldn’t it make sense to eat a whole lot so you’re constantly on the toilet? My god! It’s brilliant! Gorge yourself and drink your fill. Beer is especially good for making you piss a lot. Cakes and pies and sodas and candies! The pastries! The pastries! The pastries! If anyone wishes to eat a lot according to my strict diet plan and watch those pounds drop off like a ton o’ bricks, please send me a royalty fee in three easy installments of $29.99. Thank you. “Healthier living through gluttony.” You’re well on your way to a thinner you!