Hi. I’m kinda feeling sick and gross today. Which is not only boring for me, but would be even more boring to write about. So let’s practice some FORCED AMUSEMENT for the kiddies, eh? A little off-coloured humour for a Friday afternoon, anyone?
(Micha and I loves us our misogynist jokes, uh-huh!)
Q: Why do women wear make-up and perfume?
A: Because they’re ugly and they smell bad.
Q: Why is a watch not a good present for a woman?
A: Because there’s a clock on the stove.
Q: Why did the woman have two black eyes?
A: Because she JUST WOULDN’T FUCKIN’ LISTEN!
Q: If a motorcyclist runs into a woman, who is to blame?
A: The motorcyclist is. He shouldn’t have been riding in the kitchen.
(Okay, enough with the girl-bashing. Let’s walk into a bar, you and I…)
So the horse walks into the bar and the bartender says, “Whoa, buddy, why the long face?”
A carrot walks into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, “I’m sorry, we don’t serve food.”
A jew, a black man, an Irishman, a Pollock, a naked woman, a dwarf and a rabbi all walk into a bar. Bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
Skeleton walks into a bar and orders a beer and a mop.
So this dyslexic walks into a bra…
(Had enough bar jokes yet? Yah? Me too.)
Q: What did Jesus say to the Mexicans?
A: “Don’t do ANYTHING until I get back!”
Q: How can you tell Adam wasn’t black?
A: Ain’t no brotha givin’ up his ribs!
There’s a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain the problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note.
“Dear Sir,
please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as a pirate!”
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
“Dear Sir,
please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part!”
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head and he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he receives a small parcel and a note which reads:
“Dear Sir,
please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a Caramel apple.”
Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Curious about what the youngster was doing, he asked, “What are you up to there, Timmy?”
“My goldfish died,” replied Timmy tearfully, without looking up, “and I’ve just buried him.”
The neighbor was confused, “That seems an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn’t it?”
Timmy patted down the last heap of earth then replied, “That’s because he was inside your fucking cat.”
Q: What’s red and invisible?
A: Nooooo tomatoes…
Husband and wife go off to bed. As soon as they settle down, the man leans over and whispers softly “Hey snuggle boopy boops, your little hubby wubby isn’t quite ready for bye-byes yet.”
The wife takes the hint and says “OK, but I have to use the bathroom first.” So off she goes, but on her way back she trips over a piece of carpet and lands flat on her face.
Her husband jumps up concerned “Oh my little honey bunny, is your nosey-wosey all right?” No harm is done, so she jumps into bed and they have mad sex for two hours.
Afterwards, the wife goes off to the bathroom again, but on her way she trips over the piece of carpet and again lands flat on her face on the floor.
Her husband looks over and grunts, “Clumsy bitch.”
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the person behind the wheel was knitting.
The trooper cranked down his window and yelled to the driver, “PULL OVER!”
“NO!” the driver yelled back, “SCARF!”
A man walks into a supermarket and buys:
1 bar of soap
1 toothbrush
1 tube of toothpaste
1 loaf of bread
1 pint of milk
1 single serving cereal box
1 single serving frozen dinner
The girl at the checkout counter looks at him and says, “Single, are you?”
The man replies very sarcastically, “How did you guess?”
She replies, “Because you’re fucking ugly.”
Right. ‘Nuff o that, then…
Visit the Marquis’ Crush o’ the Week. I miss you, baby.
“DJ, SAVE my life!” Wanna feel like a Marquis? Download the music he’s listening to. But do it quickly. This mp3 will be erased at the next diary entry. TODAY: Funk me up, Otis Redding: “Tramp!” (2.7 MB).
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