THURSDAY, 14 SEPTEMBER, 2000, PHILADELPHIA

I suppose I should explain about the Clubs. Or, more specifically, the “Klubs,” because spelling hard-C words with a K is kewwt! and if you belong to a “Klub”, then you’re in it for the cutsiness primarily. Example: “Gone With the Wind.” You enjoyed the film. You then enjoyed the book. So much so that you have purchased as many different editions of the book and video that you can find. You own Rhett and Scarlett salt and pepper shakers displayed on the mantle, commemorative plates hung in the loo, and you belong to one or more GWTW chat boards or online forums to discuss different aspects of the film and what they have to do with your pathetic, hausfrauery lifestyle. Welcome, Gladys, to the “Gone With The Wind Klub.” Here’s your lamenated lifetime membership card and complimentary Butterfly McQueen squeezy-toy. The converse of belonging to a Klub does not exclude your liking of a certain thing. I think Vivien Leigh was hot, hot, hot in GWTW. I also very much enjoyed the book, though the sequel was rubbish. I have a healthy fondness for GWTW, yet I don’t have an ID card with my picture on it next to Clark Gable’s as he dips Scarlett backwards and jams his tongue down her throat against a firey sunset sky. I am not in the Klub. Okay, so… Q: Do you prefer      CATS   or     DOGS? Most people can answer that question without too much difficulty. But let’s get more specific. Check all that apply: I vehemently prefer cats over dogs, or vice versa, but it’s a real soapbox topic with me either way. I talk to my cat/dog (beyond cursory commands) using complete sentences conveying abstract human concepts. (“You don’t look too happy today, Binkums. Is there anything I can get you, or do you just need to work through this existential moment of yours on your own in your widdle basket?”) I make goo-goo baby noises at my cat/dog. I feel no compunction in interrupting someone’s speaking or working or concentration and pointing out the cute thing my cat/dog is currently doing (e.g., sleeping, walking, breathing). I have put my cat/dog on the phone to make noises at a patient listener. I own miniature figurines or other “artistic” representations of cats/dogs and they can be found in the usual prominent places about my house. I find the “Hang In There Baby”-kitten-poster/Dogs-Playing-Poker-tapestry amusing and clever. My email password is my cat’s/dog’s name. I own and display an animal-oriented bumper sticker. My clothes are constantly covered in fur … and I don’t care! The reader will note there is no “Submit” button to this form. Because I don’t care! If you checked any of the above boxes — welp — welcome to the Kat/Doglington Klub. You are eligible for a 45% discount to Cat/Dog Fancy magazine. Now, some people who know me might say I belong to the Kat Klub because they think I would definitely check off the first box. But some people might be wrong. It is not that I vehemently take sides with the Kats; I just rilly, rilly, rilly despise the dogs. And although I do speak to my cat in complete sentences, the sentences are usually something like, “You’re not making any sense. You’re just making weird animal noises. You sound like the neighbours. I have no idea what you’re saying to me right now.” And while I’m terribly fond of my cat and I basically let her have her way with me, I argue that I do not belong to the Kat Klub because most other cats do nothing for me. If I am walking back from the grocer’s and see a little mogglington doing some cutsey-pooh cat thing in the street, I do not fling my produce to the tarmac, rush up to the damn thing and hope to god it will deign to sniff my finger. Not that there’s anything wrong with belonging to the Kat/Doglington Klub. Well, all right, yes there is, but it’s not for me to judge. Well, all right, it is, but you just go on with your little life anyway, little man, and coo and gurgle over all the pups and kittens and Scarlett O’Hara dress-up dolls you like. Life’s too short not to indulge yourself. So what Klub do I belong to? Hmmm. Good question. I’m glad you asked. I can’t think. I’m sure there’s one or two. Hafta get back to you on that one.