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MONDAY, 8 MAY, 2000, PHILADELPHIA |
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All right, Miss Pinch needs to be set straight on something. She claims to be a tru-dork, and cites as evidence this amusing story. And while the story truly does credit to her self-professed dorkdom, there is an underlying implication throughout the piece of, “I’m a dork and you’re not, ha-ha-ha!” In short, she seems to feel she’s cornered some market here. She is sorely mistaken. I hereby recruit any of my 18 readers to arms — come out of the Dork Closet! Prove yourself A Dork by recounting equally dorky, or if possible, mo’ bettah dorkier tales of dorkiness. Trik? Porsh? Lees™? Unka Bob? Les autres enfants? Y’all out there? D’ya hear? Here’s my Testimony of Dorkiness, which also happens to be another rare anecdote that, when I care to think about it, causes me to relapse into spasms of uncontrollable laughter, much like the Dogshitboot story from the other day. CAN I HAVE A WITNESS!? Workin’ at Wired Magazine in San Francisco. Kallistí and I are having a converstaion. She is telling me a story. I am listening and looking at her. I notice she has an eyelash on her cheek. I lean in slowly, nodding along with her conversation, finger extended ready to brush off the eyelash. She continues talking. As my finger draws near her face, I have a total brainfart or something, and it keeps going and suddenly, <BOINK!>, I stick my finger in her eye. It was all done very slowly and thus with apparent deliberation. Kallistí’s conversation went something like this: “And so anyway then Shannon told me that Kali had pissed on the carpet again and…” <BOINK!> Several seconds of silence. A lot of blinking on the part of Kallistí. Le Marquis sits in horror, finger still somewhat extended, not able to believe what he just did, nor retract the weapon. A score of emotions pass over Kallistí’s face: Pain, shock, sadness, horror, amusement… Now whether or not this story surpasses the Dork Factor of the story of Pinch flinging her purse at perfectly innocent strangers on a train I do not know, but the point is anyone can be, and usually has been, a big ole’ dork at many points in their lives. So Pinch honey, if you’re reading this, move ovah, bay-bee. Thar be more dorks in the sea! 
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