College kids. Ya gotta love ‘em. No one is more attractive than they are at 21. One piques in one’s own personal pulchritude at 23, and it’s a toboggan ride down the Ugly Chute from there on out.
I stumbled across an old video tape the other evening of myself, my girlfriend, and all our gorgeous friends, taped in the early 90’s when we were all early 20’s. It was a revelation.
I work at an undergrad college. And like Coleridge’s ancient mariner, I now feel compelled to stop one in three, fix them with my hypnotic gaze and tell my little tale:
“Look, all y’all are gorgeous. Just change the haircut, get a fashion sense, apply a stringent and you could work it so hard! I’m tellin’ ya. Do it now. Soon you will be a wrinkly, exhausted, gooey mass. Paunchy and pasty and that’s not tasty. Get some nookie. Get all the nookie that ever was. Get all the nookie in the laaaaaand…
“Stop trying to develop your mind. You’re not doing it right anyway. You’re too angsty and your ideals are obstacles to your growth. Fret not; these too shall pass. Get your pushkins while the pushin’s good. Read your Milton, Hawking and Freud in five years — they’re not going anywhere. But you should be.
“Travel. Go to exotic lands and live under bizarre circumstances. You won’t be able to survive a cold water flat in January in the slums of some crumbling Eastern European country in 7 years. Better do it now. And get laid while you’re at it.
“Did I mention you should git you some?
“Don’t be noble. Be nubile. Stature and poise come later. You don’t need money. Ramen is cheap. And (for the crunchy months) your parents still love you.
“Do your drugs while your body can still rebuild itself. And don’t start whining to me that it’s illegal; the law applies to taxpayers only. And you have even lost your Social Security card.
“And pull up yer bloody pants, ya damn whelp. There’s a difference between ‘hiphuggers’ and ‘crackblasters’.
“Write your bleak poetry now. I guarantee that in 8 years, it will pay off, for extreme, sustained laughter is the second best exercise. I don’t need to remind you what the first is, do I? Good, so put on your weasle-wear and go hit the clubs. You may not come home alone.
“Don’t question authority; simply avoid it altogether. Your credit rating will be expunged in 7 years anyway which is precisely when you will need it again.
“It’s time to put away childish toys, but only after you’ve played with them so hard that they are pulverised.
“Venture, venture everywhere — and never stop to blink.
“And above all, never — and I mean never ever apologise for your rock n’ roll lifestyle.”
And with that the strange man with the silly long purplish hair bade his captive audience a sorrowful adieu and hobbled down the mews looking for his next victim.
The young college student awoke a sadder and wiser being the next morning after having taken the old man’s advice and having drunk himself stupid and fucked all his best friends. Sadder for the hangover was thiiiiis big <————>, and wiser for he now knew not to mix whiskey and wine with Pabst and vodka jello shots then do a line and/or smoke a bowl.
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