TUESDAY, 4 JANUARY, 2000, PHILADELPHIA

Put me in a rowboat or a speeding vehicle or a dark, stinky room with my brother for an extended period of time with a pad and pencil and watch the fur fly, man! Okay, so you know those state line signs? Like when you’re driving west and cross over to California and you see the sign: “Welcome to California: Put That Damn Cigarette Out!” Okay, well, this is our response to the sign that welcomes you into Delaware by saying (no joke): DELAWARE: SMALL WONDER DELAWARE: This Won’t Hurt A Bit Dela-Where? DELAWARE: It’ll All Be Over Soon DELAWARE: Mum’s The Word Don’t blink! DELAWARE! DELAWARE: It’ll Be Our Little Secret The First State — Named Delaware Whoops! DELAWARE! If You Can Read This, You’re In DELAWARE DELAWARE — You’ll Be Glad You Did Be Aware Of Delaware DELAWARE: Don’t Laugh, It’s Paid For DELAWARE: Size Doesn’t Matter DELAWARE: Nothin’ Doin’! DELAWARE: You Had To Be There! Pay Attention! It’s DELAWARE! DELAWARE: You Can See Pennsylvania From Here! Make Room For DELAWARE! Hey! Delaware Has Beaches Too! DELAWARE: Next Right DELAWARE: Just Death DELAWARE: Well? We Like It DELAWARE: Like Taking Off A Band-Aid Help Yourself — It’s DELAWARE!